good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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