Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
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