I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I touched a dick in church today
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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