4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
