My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
