i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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