Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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