FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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