why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
