Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
