My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
