I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
