he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
