It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Randomize
