So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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