I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
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