I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
