I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
