you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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