whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
