I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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