Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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