There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
