She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
