I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
