it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
