Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
