im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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