When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
