it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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