I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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