im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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