Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
