because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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