I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
