Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
