I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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