I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Randomize
