Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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