I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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