apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
