She is in my trunk
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
