Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
