Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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