So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
