I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You are a genius and a whore.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
