You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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