my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
