So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
