apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
