i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
me + whiskey = a bad person
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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