i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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