Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
