So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
