that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
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