Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
