I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
