Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
