I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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