thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
if only i could text you this smell
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
