It's Friday. Sex?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
