I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Randomize
