2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
