I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
she pinky promised me she was 18
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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